An uncomfortable subject...

It seems that Florida has a well kept secret for those of us who cannot afford health insurance. I recently learned that I could go to a clinic at the health department, free of charge, for "girly tests", etc. For the first time in nearly 8 years, I had a PAP, and a breast exam. I had these tests last week, and came back for more tests and a physical yesterday. What prompted this? Fear. Good old fashioned fear.

After 11 years of single life, I've come across many dishonest men. I would rather not tell you how many times I've gotten scared after being cheated on, or lied to, and gone for STD testing. A person, at some point, has to let go and trust someone, and let them in. I'd always been extremely careful with my health, and protected myself accordingly. After every failed relationship, I've gotten tested. I've gotten a clean bill of health each and every time.

I've been out of any sort of real relationships for the better part of the year. I've been through enough. I've decided that I've had enough of the games, the lies, the deceit. I'm sick to death of being used, and of being played with, emotionally and physically. I'm living for me, now.

After many talks with friends, who've helped get me through such trials, I decided to once again expose myself to the indignity of STD testing.
This is a very uncomfortable subject for many, and with good reason. There is such a stigma attached to such things, and for me, it just means that once again, I trusted the wrong people, and now have left myself vulnerable to the possibility of... Well, you know.

I went last week for my PAP. Not having had one in so long, I was actually scared to death. I've had issues before, biopsies, etc. It was brought to my attention first when I was pregnant with K2. Severe pre-cancer cells on my cervix. I had a colposcopy, and a biopsy. Turned out ok. I was warned by the docs that I should have a PAP every three months.

For a while, I did. I had Medicaid, and was able to go.

After my divorce, I was able to stay on Medicaid for a while. I had another bad PAP, and was once again told to have a biopsy and once again, it turned out that they were able to "freeze" the offending cells. Two more PAPS after that turned out ok, and then they dropped me from Medicaid eligibility. I hadn't had a PAP since.

Did I think about it? Yes. Did it scare me? Yes. But I tried to think positively, and listen to my body. I've always been freakishly healthy, and have a very strong mind/body connection. I'm very aware of everything that goes on with my body, and try to treat myself accordingly.

This week I went for the dreaded STD testing, which I think is essential after the end of any relationship. One thing I've learned, you cannot trust a man when he says he's "clean". I've been lied to relentlessly, and have learned not to trust anyone anymore. Its just not worth it. I've protected every single man I've ever been with, with a clean bill of health, and after lots of thinking and worrying, decided to get tested once again. Not for a prospective man, this time. There isn't one. I've decided to do it for my own peace of mind. I've reached a turning point. For years and years, every move I've ever made was for someone else's benefit. Now, this is for me.

I'm not dating, I'm not sexually active, and I don't plan to be.

Welcome to the world of modern dating. Trading paperwork prior to the date or the deed. Smarmy? Most certainly. I'm 43 years old, and really thought I'd be past all this uncomfortable bullshit by now. But unfortunately you cannot trust a man's (or, to be fair, a woman's) word these days.

If a man is reluctant to wear a condom, is he to be trusted? These are the thoughts that have run through my head lately. If he SAYS he's been tested, at what point do you let go and decide to trust him? At great detriment to my emotional well being, I have trusted for the last time.

I went for a full panel of STD tests yesterday. I have not had any symptoms whatsoever, only a slight, nagging worry in the back of my head that has moved into a full blown OCD worry. Only way to alleviate that worry is to get tested. This is the real world. Shit happens. When you trust someone, you are also saying you trust EVERY single person that man or woman has been with. Am I willing to trust a man? Yes, maybe. Am I willing to trust every single woman that man was with, prior to meeting me? Hell no. That is what prompted my decision. Again.

I've been a blood donor for years. I know that I don't have the "big one", due to my ability to donate blood. But many of these diseases are not blood borne. So... one must be careful, get tested, and protect themselves. After my last relationship ended, I did not get tested. He swore that there were only a couple of women since his separation, and that he was clean. He swore that he'd been tested. I did not ask to see his paperwork (my stupid mistake), and although I HAD paperwork, did not show him mine. This will never happen again. People lie. Its an unfortunate fact of life. No one's health is worth what turns out to be a few cheap thrills. No matter how much you love someone, it is meaningless if they don't feel the same way, or if they've lied. Actions speak louder than words, and talk is indeed cheap. Sometimes after the dust settles, you start to remember how much talk there actually was, and how very little action there was. Scary. People lie all the time. For some, it's as easy as breathing. Sad. Scary. Because no matter how small a person thinks there lie is? It can ruin someone's life. I would never put someone in that position, knowingly, or unknowingly, and the only way to make sure if it is to BE SURE. I've always been sure in the past. I want to be sure again. Life is too short to worry about something that can be easily dealt with. Why don't others deal with it???

This was not easy to write. But it is necessary. I think people have gotten very lax in protecting themselves, and it needs to stop. Sooner rather than later.

So, I was tested again, and will most certainly protect myself in the future. Never again will I lay awake at night wondering. Life is too short, and too precious. Nothing is worth a person's health. Nothing. Least of all, a lying sack of shit.